Ladies you maybe single because of your attitude!

I received a harsh reality from a few single Kingdom men about their biggest turn off in women. It’s not because of a woman’s job, weight, education, bank account or children from a previous relationship, it’s a woman’s bad attitude!!! I never realized that it was this serious but I was informed that it’s a deal breaker. When a man is looking to make a woman his wife; the biggest determining factor is how that woman makes him feel as a man. If a woman is rude, belligerent or disrespectful, that’s an automatic red flag that he’s not looking for her to remain in his life long-term. Who would consider spending their life with someone who has a bad attitude? He’ll always feel defeated about keeping this woman happy. Now I can hear it already “I don’t have a bad attitude, I just tell a man exactly how it is without sugar-coating it. I will not accept any kind of behavior from a man and nobody is going to run all over me.” I use to say the same things before I realized that being confidant and contentious is like comparing apples and oranges. It’s okay to set boundaries, say no and tell someone how you feel about a situation but like your mother always told you, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” God said a gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:11 NASB).

I am the first to admit that I have made some horrible mistakes on my love journey that I am not proud of. From disregarding a man’s feelings and making him feel like the gum on the bottom of my shoe! Of course a man won’t tell you that his ego is bruised, instead it shows in his behavior. He withdraws emotionally and even physically at times. If he feels like everything that he does is wrong, he’ll stop trying. If you don’t believe what I am saying, God confirms it in His word. It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and fault-finding woman. (Proverbs 21:9 AMP)

I know firsthand that a bad attitude is a direct reflection of anger and bitterness that a woman accumulates from bad relationships, personal insecurities, low self-esteem or a challenging childhood. I get that, I promise I do, but there has to come a point in your life that you face those issues head on and take the necessary steps to resolve whatever it is that has you angry. If not, a lot of your relationships will be severed and not to mention the possible health risk! Once you accept that there are underlying issues and identify the root cause, please address it! It’s a wonderful feeling once you are finally free. So when he reschedule your time together or skips a day or two of calls; it will not phase you. But let me say this my dear, if you have a confidant and optimistic attitude, he won’t be cancelling dates or missing calls, trust me!!! R.E.S.P.E.C.T is all that he wants to receive from you and he’ll reciprocate if you give it. Girlfriend, put away your sling-blade tongue that cuts him up and down when he steps outside of your precious expectations. Show him that sweet, warm and meek side of you and watch him transform into the man that he ultimately wants to be for you. There is a king and a fool in every man; speak to the one that you want to respond.

Proverbs 31:26 NASB
She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Ecc 7:9 NASB
Do not be eager in your heart to be angry,
For anger resides in the bosom of fools.

Proverbs 14:29 NASB
He who is slow to anger has great understanding,
But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.

You need Him before you can receive him

I hate to burst your bubble girlfriend but if you are not content with God alone, there is no way that you will be content with a man in your life. When a woman enters into a relationship with a man, she needs to already be complete in all aspects of her life, if not, she’ll have these unrealistic expectations of her mate. What person wants the pressure of being a god in someone’s life? Remember God is a jealous God and he’ll have no other gods before Him. Therefore, be careful not to allow your mate to become an idol. Anytime you have put your happiness, contentment and well being in the hands of another human being, it’s a form of idolatry. However, you can put all the pressure and expectations on your Maker and His Word, He can not only handle it but He is willing to resolve any issues that you may have.

Prior to my relationship with Christ, I allowed relationships to dictate my mood for the day. If my man did not call me back or respond to a text message when I expected, it really bothered me. I had all kind of negative thoughts going through my mind: “he must be with another woman, or I’m number one in his life, so there is no reason why he should not be available.” But get this, whenever he did return my call or text, I did not respond!! It became a game of tit for tat. I would look at the caller ID and laugh to myself because I now had him sweating. Instead of me being vulnerable and open about my issues and boundaries; I would prefer him to feel the uncertainty that I felt and expect him to understand. Please don’t let him cancel a date or forget my birthday; that was an absolute turnoff! It was now time for me to cut him off completely. All the ringers on my phones would get turned off and his contact information was erased! Until I knew he was remorseful about his actions, I wouldn’t allow him back in my life. This vicious cycle was based on my past abandonment issues and anytime I felt that I was being abandoned, I would take the necessary steps to protect myself. I had a flight or flee mentality. What I thought was protecting myself, instead it was more like making me a difficult person to love due to my unstable behavior!!!

Thank God for Jesus! I’m far from perfect but I don’t have expectations of anyone anymore. With expectations comes disappointment. I allow God to order my steps so if something does not go as I planned, I believe everything happens for a reason. I now treat others how I expect to be treated and whatever I want to reap, I sow it. If it’s love, loyalty and respect that I desire, I give it. I also don’t have an issue with telling someone what my issues are and what I desire in a relationship. Doing things God’s way may seem challenging, especially for us independent strong liberal women! But His Word is true and it works!! If you need direction on how to maintain a relationship, forget the book store, open up the Bible and be a doer and not just a hearer of His Word. It’s amazing to see the results of being obedient.

Ladies, it’s so important to allow God’s Word to cleanse you from your fleshly self before you pursue a relationship. We can be very demanding and psychotic at times! I feel bad for some men because they not only have the world on their shoulders but also a woman that’s expecting him to turn water into wine. There is only one God! We expect them to read our minds and know exactly what we want and need. Half the time, we don’t know what we really want! If this is you, it’s time for you to allow God to be your Husband. Spend time with Him, trust Him to love you and provide your every need. If you don’t know how to love Him, you won’t have a clue on how to love him.

1 Peter 2-4
2as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 3Your adornment must not be merely external-braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God

Psalms 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.

Matthew 6:33
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Abstaining is not easy!!!

Now this an extremely difficult subject to discuss in the Christian community, but I’m going to do my best to be open and transparent.

What I have learned from some of my sisters and brothers in Christ is that not everyone is convicted about having sexual intercourse outside of marriage. I wish this was not the thorn in my side at times because it’s really hard to believe that in this day and age, a man would be willing to wait for marriage to be intimate with a woman. Most men are extremely terrified to discuss marriage! So when you put marriage and no sex in the same sentence, this is grounds for dismissal. Now how do I know this? It’s because I have met a lot of great men and when I tell them that I am celibate, they look at me like the sky is falling right before their eyes! Or some say that it’s great that I have morals and they admire me for waiting, however, it’s not an endeavor that they’re looking to achieve. For the most part, I respect when somebody is honest about not being able to hold out but on the other hand it’s very discouraging. Especially when you know that other Christians are not abstaining and are recently engaged or married. I can’t help but to wonder if they felt like I did every time I slipped, fell and bumped my head, against the headboard!! For me it’s the most horrible conviction ever, it’s so bad that after the act, I can literally scream at the top of my lungs “HELP ME JESUS” and not care who hears me. I can’t pray, raise my hands in worship or have a sincere conversation about the greatness of God. Yes, it’s that bad! Then I have to break it off with the person I committed the act with to prevent from making the same mistake continuously. The sad part is I leave him feeling confused and rejected because of my indiscretion. Then the conversation has to take place, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

I was celibate for close to five years without falling into temptation and that’s because I was not seriously dating anyone. The problem began when I fell in love with someone and we started spending a lot of time together. He was really patient for the first couple of months but then I could tell by his behavior that it was becoming more difficult for him to sustain. It was like watching a kid resist candy. It’s much easier to live a fornication free life if you don’t have someone close to your heart. We as women are nurturing by nature and if we meet a man that shows us genuine interest and he possesses all or some of the qualities that we desire to have in a husband, we want to reciprocate our love physically. Let me stop speaking of women in general, because this may not pertain to all. However, if this applies to you, I know your pain! Breaking a soul tie is not easy!

I would rather wait for God to send me a mate who respect and understands my position than to deal with the guilty pleasure. For those of you who are struggling with this issue, we really need to be honest with ourselves as to why we are abstaining. Is it because of a bad relationship? To feel liberated? To feel in control? Whatever the reason maybe it’s irrelevant if you’re not doing it out of obedience for God or because you respect the Spirit that dwells on the inside of you.

Do you believe in abstaining and if so what keeps you from falling into temptation?

“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?” NASB 1 Corinthians 6:19

“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” KJV Galatians 6:9