Faith or Fear

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything, but life has become hectic! However, in the midst of my chaos I met a man, and he demonstrates all of the attributes that I’ve prayed for. We met the old-fashioned way, in a grocery store. He approached me like a gentleman, and to make a long story short, we’re now dating. And get this, he does not want to be intimate until marriage. Jackpot! I told God that in order for me to remain celibate, I need a man who understands and respects my choice to walk in obedience. I’m just being honest! Now one might say,” girl you have found the perfect mate, Boaz”, but I don’t know about that because I don’t feel a bit of attraction for him. When he touches me I cringe, literally. Maybe because he’s fifteen years older than me, and a little on the soft side. Instead of him watching football, he would prefer a love story.

I also observed how he treats other people, and he’s a little on the mean side. He also expressed to me that as a child, nobody ever demonstrated love to him, a very challenging childhood. So the reason he loves hard, and sometimes loses himself in relationships is because he’s looking for reciprocation. That is a red flag for me because I think his behavior is not genuine, but a fa├žade to mask the hurt. Am I over analyzing things because of my fear of marrying the wrong person, and being stuck? Is it discernment or skepticism?

Some cultures arrange marriages, and it’s obvious these are not always perfect matches. They’re not instantly in love, but they eventually fall in love. Are these people happy, or just tolerant? I have never allowed a relationship to progress if there was no chemistry or connection. However, that was before Christ. I want to believe this was a divine connection, but how do I know that for sure? Am I walking in fear or faith?