There were times in my life that I didn’t understand why I had an absent relationship with my mom growing up. She succumbed to the temptations of drugs at a young age, and with the bad habit came consequences. One consequence was me being removed from our home, and being juggled between family members. My stability was removed and I couldn’t understand why or when it would end. No more hugs and kisses from my mom, or seeing her sweet smile each day. Although I was only seven years old, I was dealing with the emotional heartache of an adult. Sometimes it was unbearable. I couldn’t help but to think “Why did she leave me all alone. Does she still love me?”
Anytime I would see her, my expectation and hope was that she’ll go back to being the mother that I grew to know and love. That never happened; instead her addiction became worse. On several occasions when we were in the same room, she wouldn’t acknowledge me. I felt so rejected! I couldn’t understand how a mother could be so selfish and choose drugs over their one and only child.
Eventually I grew a resentment towards her because there were pivotal moments in my life when I needed her. From my last day of school, to the birth of my first child, and not to mention the not so good moments. All I desired was her support and love, which I felt was owed to me as her daughter. “Why would you give birth to me and not be here for me?” These thoughts inundated my mind almost daily, and I had no one to tell me anything different about what I was feeling.
In one of my prayer sessions, I asked God for understanding because I wanted to stop believing that my mom would abandon me by choice. Finally I received revelation that my mom’s journey was not about me, and she gave me all that she had. No one taught her how to deal with the challenges of life or how to overcome obstacles. Her choices in life were not to hurt me but to handle life the best way she knew how. Rather her choices were right for her and bad for me, it’s her story. Instead of me carrying around hurt and resentment towards her, I accepted who she was. I no longer question why I had to endure a painful childhood, instead I sympathize with her struggle. I know it had to be tough looking an innocent child in her eyes, that adored you and walk away.
I’m sharing this testimony to say, if you have experienced or are going through a similar situation, take the spotlight off you for a moment. It’s not all about you. Most people can only give you what they have, and nothing more. It may not be an easy pill to swallow but it’s a reality. Some hurt and disappointment come from unrealistic expectations of someone who could never live up to any of them. Of course you expect a mom to love, nurture and protect you, but if she’s never been taught these qualities or life has exposed her to an environment of pain, that’s probably all she has to give.
Instead of holding on to the pain, learn and grow from the experience and change your story. I did. I give my girls everything I longed for in a relationship with my mom. They will never feel abandoned or rejected by me because I go above, and beyond to express my love and support to them. Who knows what type of mom I would be today if I didn’t go through what I did. God turned around what the enemy meant for evil, for my good. If He could change my bitter to sweet, He’ll do it for you as well.
– Mecca Lasha ❤️❤️