Month: January 2020

Let Him Man-Up Sis….

Girl, It’s so easy for us to fall into this toxic behavior in our relationship of “what you doing, where you going, where you been, pick this up, you never do this, you never do that or you always do this or you always do that.” This is how a mother relates to her son! Demanding and controlling. There’s no way a relationship can survive where there is nagging and complaining. If you’re going to treat him like your son, go all the way. Love him blindly and show him the same mercy you would show your son as well! Unconditional and forgiving. Don’t discriminate. 😉

I know there’s some behavior that a man may exhibit that’s childlike – he’s so accustomed to his mom being available to resolve anything he felt was too major or even minor. So when he gets in a committed relationship he may be expecting you to walk in them same shoes – to a certain extent. Which I’m sure you had no problem with being his personal problem solver before things got serious. Now his dependence on you is getting on your last nerves and you’re starting to see the little boy in him, which looks weak and incompetent. Not attractive. Guess what, the momma role you play is in his life is not attractive to him as well.

I can remember when I had this same issue in the honeymoon stage of my marriage. I was trying to control his every move or action that I felt was wrong or risky. Sis, instead of me allowing him to learn from his own mistakes, I thought I knew what was best and inserted my opinion and doubt whenever possible. Eventually he stopped sharing his ideas and thoughts with me because he was tired of hearing my “motherly” responses. I didn’t blame him one bit. Honey, I started reading books and listening to sermons to figure out how to be his lover, wife and friend again because before we were married – I was all that and much more. This one sermon I was listening to from Bishop Jakes, he said something that stuck with me ”If you don’t stop manning up, he won’t never have to and will remain a grown boy.” Immediately, I gradually stopped enabling him by saying no and ”you got this baby”. Yep, there were a few tantrums but it passed!

No more washing his cloths, paying his credit card bills, making his doctor appointments, cleaning up his mess, buying his cloths….you get the point. The biggest independence I provided was allowing him to spend his money that he works hard for as he chooses, after he pays his portion of the household expenses. Get this, I don’t know how much he makes….not my concern. He’s a grown man, I don’t need his entire check and then what turn around and issue him an allowance. No way. I make my own money. Nothing in the Bible says this is a requirement, the virtuous woman had her own identity, income and investments (this is another blog). I’ll stop right here. But I’ll say this, me letting go changed the entire trajectory of our marriage. I liked him again and he enjoyed having me in his space. 🤣

If you make him feel like a man, he’ll rise to the occasion. It’s in him. Stop worrying about if you stop doing everything, will he still need you. Yes he will, especially if he knows that you respect him. That’s all that he needs, your respect, trust and the lover in you. He was created to provide and protect, be his help – mate by helping him in areas that he can’t do himself.

Mecca Lasha ❤️❤️

Proverbs 21:9

Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop,

Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

Proverbs 27:15-16

A nagging wife is like the dripping

    of a leaky roof in a rainstorm.

16 

Stopping her is like trying to stop the wind.

    It’s like trying to grab olive oil with your hand

Sweetie, who does he say that you are?

I ask this question because many of us only let a man in about 50% of our truth. Especially if we feel that he’s worthy to be impressed or if any man has ever used our wounds as a weapon. I understand – totally get it when it’s more comfortable to keep your secrets close to your heart but understand this, there is always a woman out there that’s willing to tell her story. Honey, it’s the stripper that’s working her way through college that a married man goes and see every week because he has bonded with her truth over a few dances and drinks. Or, the local grocery store clerk that’s being abused by her boyfriend that tells her story to the guy who comes in her line every other day and he’s intrigued with her strength.

This may not sound like a big deal but how often do you hear about a man cheating with a woman that seems to be average compared to the woman who’s being cheated on? Why is this so common? Men love to feel needed, and a woman that has been through some rough times and survived, is who he wants to protect. Men bond easily to the imperfect than with the perceived perfect. The conversation comes naturally and doesn’t require the guess-work or wondering if she’s being genuine or will surprises come later. Now I’m not saying that every man deserves your vulnerability but if this is a person that you can see forever with, he needs to know your fears, hurts and dreams. The things that make you who you are.

Let’s take a look at the story of Mary and Martha, Luke 10: 38-42

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Mary was vulnerable with Jesus, she spent time listening to Him because she knew His words would heal her hurt, the bond was created. Martha was more concerned about appearing perfect before the Lord and remaining busy doing stuff hoping that would mask her true identity to Him but He was able to seen right through her. She had a lot of hurt and pain that she hid behind her works.

Which one are you Mary of Martha? Does your husband or significant other know the inner hurt that keeps you at Jesus feet or does he know the ”I’m alright” stay busy hiding behind what you do? If you’re not sure, ask him or someone close to you because they’ll know.

I was Martha for soooooo long but I had to become Mary with my husband and share ALL my good, bad and ugly. Guess what ladies, he did the same with me and that’s what created our bond. We both feel safe with each other. So if I’m feeling fearful about anything, he’s my safe haven and vice-versa.

If you need some help on how to be vulnerable ladies, I recommend ”Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. It’s a great resource and tool to have on deck, when needed.

You can do it, just try and I’d love to hear your feedback. Let’s chat.

Mecca Lasha ❤️❤️